i will boast in His sunshine & boast in His rain

via

Get ready for a serious post and life update all wrapped into one. Warning: this is maybe the longest post I've ever written, so just know that it's long.

I've been putting this one off for a long time, but I think it's time to share a little bit about the past couple months and what's been happening. I know I mentioned ages ago that it has been a rough semester, but now that I've processed a lot of things, I can actually talk in specifics.

I've struggled with what I wanted to share and how I wanted to frame things. I love sharing my life on here in a hopefully entertaining way, but much of why I blog is so that I can look back and remember the path I've walked. Initially I thought I would just share the whole story with all its gory details from the beginning to where I'm at today, but for a couple of reasons (mostly length and out of respect), there are some things that aren't necessary to record. What I really want to express to the world and remember down the road is what God has done and what I've learned. Spoiler alert: He IS faithful always.

The very short, unemotional version of the story is this: I moved.

via...I only wish moving was this much of a party.

But there's a lot more to it then that. I had been struggling with unsteady emotions and feeling a lack of peace for months, and I assumed that there were heart issues that needed to be fixed internally (which was and is definitely true, but not the full picture). I begged God to change my heart all those months, to fix it, but from my perspective, things in my own heart and around me, specifically my living situation, continued to get more difficult. I was holding on so tightly to what was comfortable and familiar. By the time January rolled around, I didn't care how the fixing happened, I just wanted off the emotional roller coaster.

Then God really started working on my heart. When I seriously started considering a move, I just thought this was my attempt to run away because that's what I do when I don't know what to do. I was scared and confused, and my prayers began to change. I told God that I would do anything and go anywhere He wanted me to go, and that nothing and no one were more important to me than following Him. And looking back, I believe that's the point God had been trying to get me to all along. It was only then that He started to reveal the steps He was calling me to take.

So I did what any rational person does when God answers prayer...I freaked out. Because I realized what He was calling me to do would be hard and uncertain and new, and man, did I wrestle with it. I prayed, I sought wisdom from trusted friends, and I cried a lot. I considered what I might be sacrificing, including really dear friendships, and it was hard. But again, I declared before God that He was more to me than any earthly thing and that I would follow Him. So I asked Him to clearly show me where He wanted me. I talked to my roommates and shared what I felt like God was saying, and it was so tough to get the words out. They showed me great grace and understanding, which I'm still so thankful for.

The ball really started rolling, and in His faithfulness, God presented me with an incredible opportunity to be a greater part of a ministry and community I was already involved with, which I'll talk about more in an upcoming post. I was still fearful, but the peace that had been missing for so long slowly began to come back into my heart. Things started falling into place very quickly, and by the end of February, I had signed a new lease and was making plans for moving and all of that "fun" stuff. My last few weeks in my old house were hard honestly. That's an awkward time of limbo for everyone, and in hindsight, I could have handled it better. I was so drained after months of what felt like an upheaval of my soul that I just had nothing left to give anyone, and that is a regret I am still trying to surrender to the Lord. It was a period of putting my head down and pushing through because I didn't know what else to do.

I still love them, and there's no denying that 

they will ever be deeply woven into my story and my heart. 

So I basically threw everything I owned into my new place, and then left to go to Salt Lake City. Maybe not the brightest idea, as coming home to an apartment in shambles was a bit disconcerting, but I needed that break more than I can ever express. Now I'm a bit more settled, and I know beyond my doubt and fear that this where God wants me. For how long I don't know, but my heart is at peace until He calls me elsewhere.

That was a little longer than I anticipated, but there are a few important takeaways that I've learned about the Lord...that I'll share tomorrow! If you read all of that, thank you and mad props to you. Like I said this is more for me to remember, but I hope it's an encouragement to you in some way, especially as I share how God has changed the person that I am through it. More to come on the morrow!